TPA 2009: Most Entertaining Sports Person

Touchline Pundit Awards: 2009

When we get bored, we tend to carry out tasks such as the Touchline Pundit Awards. But occasionally we’re not this sad so watch interviews and read various sporting articles. So this award goes to our favourite and most entertaining sporting personality. Be it a manager, player or a blogger (we could not nominate ourselves so J-Lee could not win it Cheat!). You should know the drill by now.. here’s the nominations etc:

José Mourinho

Many will not be surprised by this one. When being Chelsea manager, although hated as he was winning everything, we did love a good José interview providing us with minutes of priceless antics and banter (‘the special one’). But even when going to Inter Milan, Mourinho managed to piss off half of his teams fans as well as half of Italy. Even on his first training session, many fans gathered in around the training ground to watch his first session. José had other ideas as he decided to carry out the session four football fields away from the fans.

Usain Bolt

This man is fast. Very fast. But not only this, he does have a great sense of humour. He is in the running for this award simply for saying that he had chicken nuggets right before demolishing the record for the 100m (of which he celebrated towards the end..). You may think oh wait, was that not last year? Yes it was, but he did it this year too… Exactly!

Freddie Flintoff

Big Fred was very entertaining especially during the Ashes. Some call him the David Beckham of cricket but I do not like to be insulting. With his constant need to piss the Aussies off as well as entertaining drunken antics, the English star really does deserve to be in the running for the most prestigious award in sporting today! Good luck Freddie.

Diego Maradonna

Well he has provided us with a lifetime of entertainment, from his hand of god, to simply “running the Maradonna”. However, since being a drug addict and becoming the coach of Argentina, he has given us some funny moments. In honesty, he is only a nomination for asking people to “suck his d***” after Argentina qualified for the World Cup 2010. Enough said. LEGEND!

Jeremy Clarkson

Jerry F. Clarkson really has been the most entertaining man in the world for the past 10 years with the countless series of Top Gear. His constant obnoxiousness, give us priceless entertainment. The controversial dynamo really should win this award simply because he is “the most entertaining man…. IN THE WORLD”.

And the winner is…

Not Clarkson, but yes José Mourinho! He won this award simply for the songs made about him. He should win this award for life, and this is why:

Ash-sta: Well congratulation Mr Mourinho, you deserve this for all the entertainment you have given us, the premiership hasnt been the same without you and now you are terrorizing Italy and especially the reporters. Here are some memorable quotes of yours;

“It is omelettes and eggs. No eggs – no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem” – Commenting on the lack of fund available to him for strengthening his Chelsea squad.

“I saw their players and manager go for a lap of honour after losing to us in their last home game. In Portugal if you do this, they throw bottles at you.” – on Manchester United

“I think he is one of these people who is a voyeur. He likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, have a big telescope to see what happens in other families. He speaks, speaks, speaks about Chelsea.” – on Arsène Wenger

TPA 2009: Scandal of the Year

Touchline Pundit Awards: 2009

With every good champion, every great sport, every gracious team mate, comes scandals. Those people who take their position in sport for granted. Those people who decide that they want to ruin the game (and basically giving us something to blog about, guess we must thank these guys). Here are the most outrageous scandals of the year nominations:

Agassi

Earlier this year the legend of 8 grand slam wins Andre Aggassi made a shock revelation in his autobiography that he did Crystal Meth in 1997, now Agassi was and always has been a role model that professionals try to emulate today, so you can see how bad this looks, but the fact that he came out with it and also said he did it because of the tough times he felt as a pro tennis player back in the day, has not lost him to much respect.

Tiger Woods

There is a group on Facebook called “I had an affair with Tiger Woods”. Enough said…

Kanye West

Coming on stage at the VMA’s giving someone his views on who has the better music video. In his eyes, Beyoncé was better… What was not mentioned was that Beyoncé just happens to be his best mates wife! Although this was quite funny when the jokes came out that Patrick Swayze’s death was “nothing compared to Michael Jackson’s”.

Bloodgate

In the 2009 Heineken cup quarter final game a doctor asked a player bite on a blood capsule so they can bring on another player. We have to admit our knowledge of Rugby (either form is limited) but this is pure cheating.. after taking this capsule the doctor cut the players mouth so the injury would look real. EXTREME!

Renault GP

This was one of the biggest stories of the year. Renault were caught for cheating in the first ever Singapore GP where they got one of their drivers to crash on purpose to ensure that Fernando Alonso got them the victory. This resulted in many people quitting or getting sacked (basically told to leave) due to their unsporting behaviour. Good riddance to them.

And the winner is…

TIGER WOODS! I know this guy has been through a lot, but he really does deserve this award. You won’t be proud mate, just learn to control yourself once in a while yeah?

Ash-sta: A big congratulations to Mr Woods, the man people compared to as superhuman had now moved his status to superponaniman. His aura as a  player to play against heads up made nearly all golf pro’s wither in awe and lose to him. But now they know his weakness, flash some boobs in the crowd and he’ll forget what golf balls even look like.

TPA 2009: Most Over-Reacted Event

Touchline Pundit Awards: 2009

Over the course of 2009, there have been many controversial moments all of which have been very memorable. However, a lot of these events have been take by the media and blow way out of proportion. This award goes to that event that gave the media a field day! Here are the nominations followed by the winner:

Henry’s Handball Against Ireland

In a bid to secure World Cup qualification, Arsenal legend Henry handled the ball to square it to his colleague to score the goal that in turn put Ireland out and ensure their own qualification. The media definitely took this and made it bigger than it actually was and to be honest I do not blame them. Henry is an honest player (no bias there..) and usually does what is right. In all honesty however, this was not that big an issue to have everyone say that Henry deserves to die. I don’t think Ireland helped by asking for a rematch and other ways to basically make France beat them again and further their disappointment as they are pretty shit.

Eduardo Dive

As mentioned in the explanation of Henry’s nomination, the media do like to make big things out of little aspects. This was one in which we were stunned to see the reaction. Yes, the left footed genius did dive against Celtic to draw a penalty for his side. We never thought Arsenal were like that, but let’s be honest, Drogba and Ronaldo dive every single week and no one says anything. Many players dive all the time, and it is brushed aside and no one cares. But the second an Arsenal player does something slightly out of line, the whole world must come an end. Even environmentalists stopped and said that he should be punished. This got so out of hand that they even want to bring in replays for diving.. Bullshit if you ask us!

The Credit Crunch

Boo-hoo we don’t have enough money, let’s borrow almost £200bn pounds to try and fix that. I apologize for bringing another political debate into this.. Actually I do not! Gordon Brown can’t even look after his face, let alone our spending. We think there was too much hype over this stuff.

Serena Willams

This was a classic moment in Tennis at the US Open in New York, it was as if you wernt at a Tennis court but at the back streets of Brooklyn watchin a big black lady threaten a tiny chinese women for her money, I’ll set the seen, Serena was match point down to Kim Clijsters in the semis, and right when she was about to serve she was called for a foot fault, now this doesnt happen in tennis and you can be sure it being very annyoing on match point, and Serena screamed at the lineswomen “I would ram these balls down your f****** throat”, the lines women ran to the chair umpire with a bit of brown coming out of her bum telling him that Serena threatened to kill her, Serena was like “I didn’t say I would kill you. Are you serious?”, technically she was right.

And the winner is…

Yup! The credit crunch wins it by a clear mile! Actually no, the real winner is Thierry Henry’s handball! Well done Thierry! Not something you want to be proud of but at least some recognise the stupidity of the British tabloids (not that pundits are any better..)

Ash-sta: Woo-hoo, well deserved, after all the stupid tabloids trying to make Henry look like the bad guy this award should remind him of it every day for the rest of his life!

The Doc: I’m not sure I totally agree, the Eduardo thing was ridiculous the SFA treated it as Eduardo created diving and no one had ever done it before.

TPA 2009: Most Humiliating Sporting Moment

Touchline Pundit Awards: 2009

This is for all of those with a sense of humour. Although Soccer AM do this every week with their “Third Eye”, we thought we’d capture the best and most humiliating moments in 2009. Here are the lucky nominees:

Anelka/O’Neil

The Chelsea star is a striker, and for a reason. Although deadly in-front of goal, he is not known for his defending. Maybe because he decided that against Aston Villa, he would slide into.. Martin O’Neil. An embarrassing moment for both parties.

Mark Hughes

He has been through a lot recently, but we shall never forget him slipping over in his technical box. Maybe unemployment will give him time to buy some decent shoes..

Amir Khan

Although he is a good boxer, the guy did get knocked out in around 70 seconds. Let’s just say it takes me longer to go answer the door that the fight lasted.

And the winner is…

GORDON BROWN IS OUR WINNER! For his amazing speech where he decided that the Labour Party, saved the world! Here is the video:

Ash-sta: Loving this, a classic Freudian slip from our beloved Prime Minister who was meant to say “save the worlds banks” but clearly screwed up. But this doesnt excuse the appalling behaviour of the pack of animals we call the Conservative and Lib Dem Party. Enjoy below Gordon Brown at his best. What a sporting moment!

J-lee: Gordon Brown really does deserve this award. I did try to contact him to tell him he had one but couldn’t get through. I was told he was in a meeting with Superman trying to decide the best way in which they can work together and save the planet.

The Doc: hahahahahah

TPA 2009: Funniest Celebration

Touchline Pundit Awards: 2009

This award goes to the best or funniest celebration after making a substantial achievement in any given sport. This may be after taking a wicket in cricket, or scoring what the American’s call a “touch down”. Here are the nominations and what we individually feel about these events:

Messi in the Champions League Final

Okay, so now you’re thinking, um what? Well you may recall in the Champions League Final against Manchester United, Argentine superstar Lionel Messi scored a thunderous header. Yet after scoring this, he took off his new boots and showed them to the crowd.. Yeah not the brightest fellow. Here’s what we all had to say about this:

Jensen Button

After securing the Drivers Championship in the Brazilian GP, Jensen Button was very happy to say the least. His race engineer and Ross Brawn congratulated him on the excellent drive and season over his radio to draw out the response of Button singing “We Are the Champions” to himself! I’m sure Simon Cowell would have “genuinely” thought it was shit, and Louis Walsh would have thought it was not within the rules of the sport.

And the winner is…

That’s right, Messi for his promotional banter! Congratulations Lionel! He could not be with us tonight and frankly we do not understand Spanish so we have no idea what f*** he said.

Comments from Ash-Sta:

If this is one you haven’t seen already, here it is:
There was big hype about the new Adidas F50i that came out just before the Champions League final, and Lionel Messi talking about how amazing the boots are and how he likes that they are blue, well I know it sounds stupid but im not against normal media stunts such as these to promote new products. However, I bet when Adidas explained to Lionel Messi that “when” you score a goal you need to take off that left boot and make “it” look like it scored the goal, they didn’t for once consider that the 5ft 7in Argentinian would ever rise above Vidic or Ferdinand to head the ball into the back of the net, and at that moment Lionel Messi’s thinking “wait a minute isnt that going to make me look like a bit of a twat”, still he vowed to his promise that the boot would come of so that all the young aspirational footballers of the 250 million watching the final can think “oh, if i want to score more headers I should buy better boots, simples!”

TPA 2009: Most Outrageous Hairstyle

Touchline Pundit Awards: 2009

Over the past year, many sporting personalities have gotten haircuts. But which ones were the most diabolical? Here are the nominations and then the winner:

David Beckham

An award ceremony would not be the same without including good old golden balls, especially as this is about hair. Over the last year he has definitely had some wild hair cuts but his new one is really, really poor. Can he pick up yet another useless award?

Paul Scharnar

Now you’re thinking, who? Well the Wigan player (not sure where he plays to be honest), does have bad hair. Really bad hair. Even Ash-Sta agreed and I can assure you his fashion taste is not really “hip”.

Marouane Fellaini

He is definitely known by everyone. His afro hairstyle is what made him famous and he isn’t that bad a striker either. Although his hair might have been copyrighted from Screech in Save by the Bell (some American show..), he could pick up the worst hair even though its not intentional.

And the winner is…

Yep! That’s right.. Paul Scharner.. Here’s a picture:

We tried to get in contact with Paul, but frankly we couldn’t get hold of (or couldn’t be bothered) to contact his agent! Well done Paul.. you can finally put something on your mantle piece.

Ash-sta: There is not an award I could care as little about as this one, but well done Paul, its a great claim to fame!

The Doc: To take this award from Beckham is quite an achievement well done Paul

Touchline Pundit Awards: 2009

Touchline Pundit Awards: 2009

After being snowed in, we got a little bit bored of watching the same films that have been on every Christmas since records began. We therefore brainstormed the idea of The Touchline Awards – or the TPA’s.

Introducing the first ever TPA’s (and probably the last). Over the course of this week we shall be presenting some of the most prestigious awards that the world of sport has ever seen.

The 2009 TPA categories include the following:

• Best Sports Person 2009 (not Ryan Giggs)
• Best Footballing Goal
• Best Tactical/Innovative Play
• Most Humiliating Sporting Moment
• Most Memorable Moment
• Best Sporting Team
• Most Outrageous Hairstyle
• Best Sob Story
• Funniest Celebration
• Best New Coming Sports Person
• Captain of the Year
• Most Improved Sports Person
• Coach of the Year
• Most Entertaining Sports Person
• Scandal of the Year
• Most Over-reacted Event
• Worst Pundit
• Life Achievement Award (people we want to retire soon)
• Back to Sport Award

So stay tuned to find out our views on 2009 and who we believe deserves these amazing awards!

Football: Manchester City’s appointment of Roberto Mancini and the sacking of Mark Hughes

Arsene Wenger said he was “Sad” to see Mark Hughes go, and I believe him, I think him not shaking Hughes’ hand was more because he was pissed at what City represented, a bunch of rich bullies trying to buy their way to titles.

But this is something that was eventually going to happen, when Man City appointed Hughes the club was under control by ex Thai Prime Minister, Thanskin Shinawatra reign of government faced allegations of corruption,, treason, conflicts of interest, acting non-diplomatically, and muzzling of the press. This guy was so funny because he hadn’t a clue on how to run a football club, he bought his same dictator qualities to the club as he ran Thailand!

How he got into the country whilst on the run from his own Thai police is a different question, let alone getting cosy in the blue parts of Manchester. But, when he eventually got caught out and before the MI6 could assassinate him and make it look like a drunk Mancuinan had stabbed him, a $550 billion Middle East oil company was at hand to take over, and they stuck with Hughes as “manager”…

In my opinion they did this just not to look bad, there was bad press surrounding billionaire club owners (you know who we’re talking about Roman) sacking managers at free will until they get what they want. But Man City’s middle east owners tried to win fans by keeping Hughes, but in mind that they were going to replace him with a high profile manager at some stage.

The club wasn’t getting the profile it needed with Hughes there, sure Man City bought in some big names but you could tell Robinho wasn’t happy, and it seemed the players were divided and not fully behind Hughes, we are talking about players who have pretty much all had reputations with their previous clubs as “toy throwing children” e.g. Adebayor, Tevez, Bellemy, and of course Robinho, that’s their whole bloody forward line! And in order to bring order to this club they needed a manager who had a reputation for winning things and managing big players, because lets face it that’s all this club needs, it has talent flowing out of its ears.

Roberto Mancini will not only bring order but he will be a big attraction for big players to join the club come the January Transfer window, just how Arsene Wenger attracts the French and the technically gifted (I was going to say the young but we wont go there), how Alex Ferguson attracts the best of British and the ugly (sorry Wayne), how Roman Abramovich attracts the greedy and East Londoners, and how Rafa Benitez attracts total crap and Fernando Torres.

So the real question is, was it a good choice? I think so, if Mancini can get the respect of the players and if the club can learn to defend in numbers and give Shay Given some protection, then Man City are looking at a fruitful year, with the Champions League place definitely in sight, because they just have a better squad then their rivals, Tottenham, Villa, and Liverpool.

Formula One: The Return of the King

To be a “king”, there are certain qualities you must contain. One of them being fighting with grace, honour and putting your soul and guts into everything that you do. Roger Federer can be classed as the King of Tennis, Tiger Woods (touchy subject..) can be a King of Golf and Pele the King of Football as they all have these aspects. Michael Schumacher however, does not. He is probably the most competitive man in sporting history and would do anything to win. That is the Schumacher we all know and love.

To say he is the King is returning then may a bit ambitious, but with seven world titles, I’m going to stick with that statement. Yes, that’s right, the master is closing in on a return to the great sport. Most would of said that he will only come back with Ferrari, but with Mercedes being a German team and headed by his great friend and mentor in Ross Brawn, Schumacher is poised in a “Rocky” type comeback. The 40 year-old will partner Nico Rosberg in the 2010 Formula one season.

So how great will his comeback be? Well, in terms of the sports popularity, his return would really reignite the commercial side of the sport making Mr. Bernie Ecclestone very happy indeed. In terms of competitiveness between drivers, it will be never better. The all British line up of McLaren in Jensen Button and Lewis Hamilton, against the all star Ferrari pair of Fernando Alonso and Felipe Massa. Adding Schumacher into this equation really does create a damn good battle next year.

However, there now cannot be a story of Schumacher coming back without posing the question: Is he in the correct physical shape to drive a Formula One car? We all remember Felipe’s epic accident meaning him to miss the rest of the season last year. Schumacher was intending to come back then but couldn’t due to a neck injury he had suffered from in a motorcycle accident a while ago. Obviously he wouldn’t be so close to a comeback without Mercedes ensuring that his neck can stand the G forces created while driving these phenomenal machines, however being old, and fragile.. there are doubts.

Michael Schumacher (Image taken from Google Images)

So how will Michael cope being out of the sport for so long? I don’t think there’s any doubt that he won’t have lost his competitiveness and instinct to race. The doubt however comes when he is introduced to the many rule changes that have taken place since he has been away. Things such as driver aids, traction control and refueling taken out the equation. We shall now see how great a driver Schumacher really is, or how not so amazing he isn’t. Obviously the idiots like Eddie Jordon from the BBC will fully fill us in..

Michael returning does bring about some tasty competition with the drivers as well. He obviously has history with Alonso which shall be reignited. Additionally he has that of Hamilton, Button and yes, that’s right, Vettel! The young German has been hailed as the new Schumacher. Whether it happens at the beginning or the end, there will be a point in the season where these two drivers are competing on the track creating a mouthwatering line up for next year. Oh and don’t forget Massa, he’s pretty decent too.

It will be sad however seeing Schumacher back without the old rivalries. Kind of like watching Arsenal Vs Man Utd and not seeing Keane Vs Viera. I would love to see DC and Damon Hill come out of retirement as well to see us return to the great days of motorsport. Oh dear god let’s pray that Ralf Schumacher does not follow in his brother’s footsteps!

In addition to this amazing news, the news did come through that there will be a British GP! Exciting stuff for next season’s formula one!

And that’s that folks! Come on Schummi!

No longer in the top Pool

Liverpool crashed out of the champions league last night. Benitez time at Liverpool reached a new low yesterday he is out of the biggest competition in Europe and would need a two miracles to win the league.

They currently stand in a respectable 7th place but have conceded the more goals then any other team in the top 9. Journalist and ‘experts’ had been wondered if Arsenal will retain there top 4 status but currently all these questions are being directed towards Anfield.

I have to admit I would be a little worried, they don’t have a great team strange what a summer could do to a team. They 3/4 great players: Gerrard, Torres, Johnson, Mascherano and Reina (ok 5), but then the rest worry me. No real wingers, Benayoun is quality and should probably added to my list but I see him more as an attacking forward then a winger, also Mascherano needs a passer next to him a ‘Carrick/Cesc/Alonso’ a player who can pick out a 30 yard pass or who can thread a ball through. Lucas will be a good player but he needs time…

I know I’m stating the obvious here but Liverpool are in trouble, I believe they need to change there formation playing two up front which means Gerrard will have to drop back into the centre of midfield. Benitez’s transfer record is very very poor but that one for another day.